Part Five
So. Here I sit, knowing very much what I should and shouldn’t do. I also know, some of the time, what I want to do and how conflicted that is even before the expectation of those around me weighing me down. I have even considered whether to compromise on my wants. Tell me then, in pressing forth on writing this, have I made the lower or higher decision? I know not to ask between right and wrong; this world is too open for that.
I suppose another way to frame “shoulds” could be through short-term and long-term wants. Some goals take time, planning. There are steps to take to arrive at the destination. Want to become a writer? You probably should write something. Should complete something. Should release it out of your editorial control. “Need” and “should” blur their boundaries in the case of the long-term want. Even for a short-term situation you could say ‘should’ is the more… advisable path to attaining one’s goal. For example: do you like a shiny object at the store? You should buy it instead of steal it.
Except it’s not always that simple. I get it. Sometimes our efforts are thwarted by our natural dispositions. Take for example the classic marshmallow test. Let’s set the stage: a child is presented a marshmallow by a scientist. The scientist says the child can have a second marshmallow if the child can refrain from eating the first marshmallow before the scientist comes back in about ten minutes. Studies show (that I will not bother to cite, this is an informal writing, not a professional paper) that the children that can wait to get the second marshmallow are more capable of working toward long-term goals in their adult life. Many of the children in these tests failed to hold out, by the way. In other words, we can set up plans for ourselves, but one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in that endeavor is our own nature. Being impulsive can be so natural in a certain light. Fears are not often something we choose.
I have a secret to admit. I have a fear I don’t know how to conquer, and unfortunately it’s not just one fear; I hold a tangle of specific fears that combine to make a web into a phobia. Even now I don’t have the courage to share it completely openly, because I don’t know who to trust. Only a few know about it, and I doubt that all of them grasp the full extent of the fear. I also think the one that my fear involves the most thinks I’m over it enough to handle the situation. Just because I’m trying to defy the fear does not vanquish it. I’m still scared- scared of changing, scared I’ll be trapped, scared that I’m already trapped, scared that this will be a breaking point that can’t be resolved cleanly. I’m scared to back down from this challenge yet again, scared of all those fears breaking what I have. While I was requested to converse about wants, not fears, I find them quite pertinent to how they affect my behavior, how they affect what I want. Because, true to my conflicting nature, I don’t want the fear to actualize, but I also don’t want to live under its thumb. And all things considered, in this situation that means going back into the fray to tackle it directly.
I questioned earlier whether dodging a fear was equivalent to satisfying a want. I now wonder how often something we want defines the things we fear. Someone wanting to stay alive might build up a fear of heights. Okay, even I admit that example is weak but I haven’t a better one in reserve. I fear giving in to a life of fear. So what do I do? I want to see if I can handle the terrifying.
The Quiet Mirror 
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