The Second Reflection

I once thought that whenever I spoke about something of myself that I risked it no longer being true. Time has shown this is not necessarily the case. Rather, I must be two people. Two people with oscillating desires, interests, and understandings of the world. My shift simply happens coincidentally right as I feel confident in acknowledging my current mode.

I am not a thrilled by this. Relieved to a certain degree, by all means, but equally frustrated by the challenges this presents. Some days I hesitate in consideration for the other person I know I will be, other times I wonder if I merely don’t truly know myself and what I want and that this duality is as close as I can get to telling myself that something within remains unsettled.

The possibility of some undeclared tension strikes me funny, particularly with how utterly dedicated I feel to a perspective at the time it happens. Only my awareness of this other mysterious self that I flip over to, that is also very much myself, causes me any sort of pause.

What do these two selves want? I’m not two separately named people inhabiting one body, but in some moments it certainly feels that I might as well treat them as such. But both feel like me.

I guess the only question left to ask then is what the hell do I really want?